I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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