we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
