New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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