i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Bring me that man meat
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize