I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
