I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
