I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She announced her abortion via fbk
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
