You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
