so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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