Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
