I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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