I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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