it was like eating out sand paper
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
