They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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