Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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