My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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