someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
