the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
