im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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