What a fucking waste of an outfit
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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