Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
