I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You can't just leave with hair like that
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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