Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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