But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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