The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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