I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize