so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
