I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
