I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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