Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
