My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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