For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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