Do you still have your period?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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