I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
