I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
