Define "chronic" masturbator.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
