I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
