I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
