I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
