I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
