I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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