K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
sarcasm needs its own font
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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