How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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