cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Randomize
