So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
