I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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