is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
