I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
