you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
