Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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