im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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