its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize