My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
