Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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