I just threw up on my dentist
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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