We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
