Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
